Reverse PR: A How To

So, you’ve run at least one previous marathon and want to know “How can I run a marathon again and get a reverse PR (that is, run actually slower than your current best time)?” 

Well, lucky for you I was able to accomplish this highly laudable feat this weekend and I’m ready to share my cornucopia of knowledge so that you can do it to. Ready? Here we go!

TRAINING : The “experts” will tell you that you need to religiously follow a training plan. Do not believe them/ be too lazy to believe them. Forget about those pesky prescribed “long runs” of 16, 18, 20 or even the laughable 22 miler! Instead simply run your monthly half marathon you’ve signed up for, go to some spin classes, and delude yourself into believing that you can just wing it. (Spoiler alert: You can't.)

"Hello, I'm Otto. I'm here to make sure you never get a quiet nights rest."

REST: Getting proper rest is in an important facet of proper marathoning. So in order to reverse PR I recommend the following: get not one, but two new jobs the week of the marathon. This makes it effectively impossible for you to get off work early and make the long drive to your race destination at a reasonable hour. If I were you, I'd leave work at 5, get stuck behind multiple car accidents at Brigham City, and then hit massive traffic in SLC commuting down to the USU/BYU football game. 

While sitting in stand still traffic for two hours have your chocolate lab puppy have a diarrhea accident in the back of your car – this will really take your traffic stress level down and put you at ease. Or cause you to burst into uncontrollable tears. That's just a suggestion, but it worked for me!
Four and half hours later (when it should be a two hour drive), arrive in Orem at your sister’s house.

NUTRITION: At this point you are so frustrated, and its 9:30 at night, so that sitdown pasta dinner is out of the question. Instead get a Happy Meal at the gas station. Eat your four chicken nuggets and curse the fact that this “healthy food initiative” (that you blame on Michelle Obama)  has made it so McDonalds has given you a total of four fries and stuck in a bag of disgusting apple slices. Curse again.

LAY OUT YOUR GEAR: Get to your parents house at midnight. Begin to lay out your gear and realize you’ve left a lot of stuff a home: your hat, your iphone arm band, your toothbrush….Be even angrier. Try to go to sleep for four hours. Its futile.

RACE DAY:  Wake up. Feel like trash already. Drink a diet coke and head to the bus. Its freezing. Try to cuddle with your sister. Realize she has 0% body fat and is actually making you colder. Huddle by the bonfire - this is great because now you can smell like sweat and smoke for the next four hours. Start race. Hate life at mile one. Because you don’t have your arm band, decide to stick your iphone in your sports bra. Around mile 18 its gets too sweaty and shorts out. You have no music for the next 8 miles. Cry. Pull off to an aid station. Ask how long it will be till a rescue van comes. Cry. See your mortal enemy. Decide your mortal enemy can’t beat you. MUST PULL SELF TOGETHER.

(someone else took this picture, I was to busy praying for a swift end to take pictures. Snow Canyon is cool) 

(i look like death you say? I feel like death! .5 miles from the finish)

With renewed sense of purpose, start running again, music-less and angry. Begin repeating mantra to self, “Can’t let enemy beat me. Can’t let enemy beat me.” The last 6 miles fly by this way.

At long last you will make it to the finish. You will want to die. Find the diet coke stand. Get one. Feel restored to full health. Find dad volunteering in Life Flight tent. Let him tell you how awesome you are. Feel good. See other marathoners eating pulled pork sandwiches from the Texas Road House stand. Throw up in your mouth. Exit runner’s area. See sister Anna, she has finished 20 minutes before you. She is your hero. Find your mother and sister Kiersten, they are your saviors, they have brought you flip flops and hugs. Hobble to your friend Brandalee’s house, she is rad and has a cute little gift for you. Feel guilty accepting it as you just had a really embarrassing finish time. Hobble to your car. Go home.

RECOVERY:Your mom will make you an ice bath. The one minute in there is worse than the entire marathon. But it works, so do it. Then get in your mom’s Jacuzzi bath tub, fully clothed, with your sister. Add bubbles. Cry, because you're so glad is over, but it hurts so bad. And the worse part is, "YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF, YOU DO, AND THAT’S WHAT REALLY HURTS (cue radiohead song)". Spend the next day eating really caloric food, because you deserve it, hobbling around, and laying on the couch petting your cat.

Congratulations! You have now successfully reverse PR’ed!!!