"Lauren, Brigham Young once said..."

As I as headed out the door from Thanksgiving at my parent's house my Grandpa stopped me and imparted this gem: 

"Lauren, Brigham Young said there would come a day when young married people would choose to have cats and dogs over babies. I'm just saying."* 

* A google search yielded no such quote attributable to Brother Brigham

** I have no idea what he was implying

*** Otto actually nipped at Santa as well as refused to sit on his lap #gettingnothingbutcoalforsure

Run, for the Octopus! (Thanksgiving Recap)

It was an epic and wonderful Thanksgiving in St. George with my family. 

And it began with an Octopus...

We kicked off Turkey day with the annual (annual in that it has happened once before) BENSON TURKEY TROT! Katheryn and I went to Party Land the night before with hopes of purchasing a balloon crown for the Trot Champion, cool idea right? Well, the employee that knows how to make the crowns wasn't in that night, so of course we did the most logical thing possible and bought a random balloon octopus that was sitting on the counter... Who wouldn't be motivated to win by this guy?

The trot was especially awesome because Branda, Kade, and their little guy Paxon participated. Don't mind that my friend has two kids, is four months pregnant, and still runs faster than I do.

She's rad. There was fierce competition for first place: Anna came in first, Katheryn second, and Dad third. Kiersten and my Mom dominated the walking division, while the rest of his jogged in at a good clip. Nothing like a brisk 3 miles to counterbalance the 5,000 calorie feast I was about to consume... or to at least mitigate a singular roll.

What are these fine looking place cards you may ask? Why these are little mayflower ships I spent hours crafting. Another Pinterest deceit: it looked quick, easy, and cute. It turned out tedious, finger burning (hot glue involved), and not at all resembling a sea worthy pilgrim filled vessel. Oh well.

No food pictures, but I assure you a truly wondrous feast was had thanks to my Mom. It was especially cool because this is one of the few times we've had a holiday with my mom's side of the family - added bonus: my favorite Hales cousin, Mackenzie, and her boyfriend Jackson came all the way from Minnesota.

The Mackenzie/Jackson duo won the gingerbread house making competition that followed dinner - though great efforts were put in by all.

Speaking of Jackson and Mackenzie, they are hard core rock climbers. We decided to take advantage of the awesome weather and go out for a climb (and by climb I mean I sat on level ground and read The Economist - I'm a scaredy cat.) After a jaunt to Chuckawalla we went out to a site in Snow Canyon that was supposed to be a pretty easy climb. 

It may have been - but we will never know. The "trail" up to the climb was some seriously intense hiking/bouldering. Certain members of our group were sure this was a death march (granted it was seriously steep, Mackenzie's border collie was shaking like crazy and had to be hoisted several times), and so we decided to abandon the plan and head home before it got dark. Still fun though.

In a nutshell, Thanksgiving was grand. Moving on to Christmas...

Kicking off the Christmas Season was the annual and much dreaded Army Christmas Party, better known as mandatory fun. You know its gonna be a rockin' party when you have to sign in and promise not to leave till the end. This year was especially interesting as we dressed up, were served a mediocre dinner, and then forced to watch nearly 3 hours of a borderline offensive marital advice movie: "Laugh your Way to a Better Marriage". It was sad because I think this time really could have been used constructively to improve military marriages, but instead it was squandered on a video that was uncomfortable, had a born again evangelical bent, and perpetuated gender stereotypes while offering no really constructive advice or information. And no, I don't have strong feelings about it. The only bright spot was that Dan just changed units and we are now reunited with the Streeters! Meaning Leana and I could chit chat and bemoan the activity together. 

Luckily this weekend we had a better Christmas Activity: a lovely concert. My accountant co-worker (who is a 38 year old unmarried LDS man who loves show-tunes, Twilight, and is willing to fly across the country to go to a Madonna concert - you do the math), was involved in a local Christmas concert. I really like him and wanted to support so I got tickets - not really expecting to enjoy it all that much. But it turned out to be quite good. They had two guest artists, Jenny Oaks Baker an amazing violinist, and a Celtic singing soloist, conducted by Craig Jessop (Music and the Spoken Word). They had a good mix of fun songs and the more serious, like my all time fave, "Oh come, Oh come, Emmanuel."

Finally, in Christmas related news - I finally got a real tree! It smells delightful - and I guess tastes delightful too as Otto likes to chew on the low boughs (which I'm not too mad about as it results in Doggie Christmas Tree breath which is preferable to Doggie Horse Poop breath.) Anna came over last Sunday and helped us deck it out in full tinsel. I'm most pleased with the outcome. 

And now the Christmas Countdown is in full swing. 

(Helpfully tracked by the countdown blocks I made last year.)

16 Days. Its on. 

Santa Baby,

If Santa came to me and was like, "Lauren, you've seriously been such a good girl this year. Money is no object, what can I bring you this year?" I'd be like, "Santa, I really want to get into road biking. I've overcome my coordination issues and can successfully bike down a road (in large part thanks to my friend Bonni). My friend Sue is getting a bunch of girls together to do a Wicked Witch Bike Relay next year. I want in. I need a light weight road bike, a bike computer - because you know I'm obssesive about tracking my pace and mileage, some nice padded pearl izumi shorts, and a helmet - saftey first Santa."

"The bike is priority number one, but if you still have room in your bag I could use some fancy clothes for work. Any pencil skirt and tailored shirt combo from j.crew is acceptable. Some nice flats so I don't fall down the stairs to Champ Hall (again) would be great. And some sparkly baubles."

"And while you're taking requests, Otto would like to this awesome Dyson Animal vacuum. Our cheap old Eureka is having trouble keeping up with all of his fur. Additionally, he would like the ability to vacuum the whole house by himself."

"Both Otto and I would like this Molly Mutt dog bed. It is made of an easily washable duvet cover that you stuff full of old clothes/blankets/pillows - totally eco friendly! And they're cute!" That's it.

Thanks Santa.

#Hashtags

#Halloween

My favorite holiday has come and gone and sadly I didn't get fully invested this year. With the whole working thing it was difficult to commit much time to costume sewing. Coupled with some last minute stresses our Halloween weekend was a mess. I didn't get our costumes done so we ended up throwing together last minute costumes from things around the house... Dan was an army guy and I was Katniss from Hunger Games. We made it to the annual and awesome Monson Halloween party, but I didn't get any pictures, partially because our little devil was out in the car the whole time and stressing me out. Nevertheless, homemade chili was eaten, caramel corn was made, friends were visited and Otto was forced to wear an embarrassing outfit. Win, win, win.

{iconic Old Main picture}

#Jobs

The biggest thing going on for me lately is work. After two months of searching and finding nothing, I landed a job working in the afternoons for the Honors Office at Utah State. The day I started I got offered another part time job, this one a temporary gig in the Provosts Office, also at USU. So now I'm  a working girl 8-5, monday through friday, totally legit.
PROS:
- Its a paying job. Not easy to come by in this economy, especially in a very small rural town...
- I work in the iconic Old Main building, where it just so happens Dan has every single one of his classes. Sure makes car pooling easier.
- It  has benefits, like actual health insurance benefits, not the free diet coke benefits of previous Applebee's days.
- I have to dress in business attire, which I've discovered I love. If only my paychecks were large enough to indulge in a complete j.crew professional wardrobe...
CONS:
- I'm pretty sure Otto could do my job, if only his paws were adept for typing. I think 90% of my job is mindless typing in excel. Maybe even 95%.
 - I'm basically the lowest person on the totem pole in both offices... That means if coffee needs making, plants need watering, envelopes need licking... Guess who gets to do it?
- My job in the Provosts office is temporary while their regular employee is on a three month leave. So in January my hours/pay drop in half.
- Speaking of pay, I literally make 1/2 of what I did in Monterey. A little discouraging being that I now have a college degree and should be working a "real job".
- I actually have to go to work all day. I had gotten accustom to sleeping in and watching 8 episodes of Friday Night Lights a day in my pajamas. Kidding. Kind of.

#Doggydaycare

With becoming a full time working woman came the difficult decision to put Otto in doggy day care. Okay, before you decide I'm totally crazy hear me out. We used to just lock Otto in the tiled area of our house with a baby gate while we were out. However one day he decide to chew a hole in our wall, thus necessitating crate training. Usually he's only in the crate in the mornings because Dan is done with class and comes home to study at noon, but on Tuesdays Dan and I are both gone all day. We felt mean about leaving him in a cage all day, and the day care is close to our house, and its a good opportunity for him to get socialized with other dogs, and its really not very expensive, and he comes home so happy and tired from playing, and well...Does it seem reasonable yet? Posted above is his report card from his first day at daycare. We're so glad he is an "active camper" and "had fun playing with his new buddy Sherlock" and liked day care "3 tail wags, a bark, and a jump."Totally normal.

{random picture of me in Jordan - Wadi Rum}
#baddaytobeaconservative

Switching gears to a more serious subject, another big thing lately has been the presidential election. I have never cared this much about American politics before. Leading up to Tuesday night Dan and I listened to NPR every morning and read each other articles we found interesting on Obama or Romney, we talked about politics a lot! Election night was very upsetting - I won't get into it all. I was downright angry the next day but the more I thought about it, the more I mellowed out. Sure I'm not happy with the outcome, but at least I got to vote in free and fair elections (though there could be some argument on if the electoral college is truly free and fair). I thought about my time in Jordan and how even joking with friends about the King was very serious. People would quickly hush you if you said anything even remotely negative about the King or his government. No one dreamed about voting or having a say in anything at all. Though our system in America isn't perfect, its sure a lot better than most of the rest of the world. I'm still proud to be an American, even if I'm not proud of some of the things our President does.

{one of the interesting books I read in preparation}

#rejection

I debated whether or not to throw this on, because it still stings every time I think about it... But its a big thing in my life so it should go in my record. Yeah, I officially got rejected by Teach for America. Going in I knew it was a long shot (supposedly you have a statistically better chance of getting accepted by Stanford Law School than by TFA), but I decided to go for it - chase my dreams and all that jazz. I put in my application and essays and was surprised when I was invited for a phone interview. I was sure I was out after that, my phone interview was a complete train wreck with a snarky guy from Chicago who seemed to be contemptuous about every word I said. I was so excited (literally jumping up and down) when I found out that I had made it through another round and was invited for the full day final interview. I was really blown away! For the final interview I had prepare a sample lesson, participate in a group activity with 11 other TFA applicants, and then have a one hour one-on-one interview with a TFA staff member. In the weeks leading up to the final interview I allowed myself to really envision getting in, and I've never been more excited. I read books about education and poverty, spent days agonizing over my sample lesson, read up on all the TFA locations... Really anytime I wasn't working I was doing something to prep for TFA. I wanted it. so. so. bad. I honestly don't think I've wanted something/prayed for something/ got so excited for something more than this in my life. And I thought I had it. I got tons of compliments from the other applicants on my sample lesson, I felt I did well on the group activity (with some insider tips from my cousin's boyfriend who is currently in TFA), and thought I nailed my one-on-one interview. And then I got the rejected. I can honestly say I was/am devastated. I've struggled my whole post high school career to find my niche. And I still don't feel like I've found it. I really thought teaching, particularly doing Teach For America was my calling. Now I feel like I'm back at square one. And square one is a really lonely and depressing place to be.

Reverse PR: A How To

So, you’ve run at least one previous marathon and want to know “How can I run a marathon again and get a reverse PR (that is, run actually slower than your current best time)?” 

Well, lucky for you I was able to accomplish this highly laudable feat this weekend and I’m ready to share my cornucopia of knowledge so that you can do it to. Ready? Here we go!

TRAINING : The “experts” will tell you that you need to religiously follow a training plan. Do not believe them/ be too lazy to believe them. Forget about those pesky prescribed “long runs” of 16, 18, 20 or even the laughable 22 miler! Instead simply run your monthly half marathon you’ve signed up for, go to some spin classes, and delude yourself into believing that you can just wing it. (Spoiler alert: You can't.)

"Hello, I'm Otto. I'm here to make sure you never get a quiet nights rest."

REST: Getting proper rest is in an important facet of proper marathoning. So in order to reverse PR I recommend the following: get not one, but two new jobs the week of the marathon. This makes it effectively impossible for you to get off work early and make the long drive to your race destination at a reasonable hour. If I were you, I'd leave work at 5, get stuck behind multiple car accidents at Brigham City, and then hit massive traffic in SLC commuting down to the USU/BYU football game. 

While sitting in stand still traffic for two hours have your chocolate lab puppy have a diarrhea accident in the back of your car – this will really take your traffic stress level down and put you at ease. Or cause you to burst into uncontrollable tears. That's just a suggestion, but it worked for me!
Four and half hours later (when it should be a two hour drive), arrive in Orem at your sister’s house.

NUTRITION: At this point you are so frustrated, and its 9:30 at night, so that sitdown pasta dinner is out of the question. Instead get a Happy Meal at the gas station. Eat your four chicken nuggets and curse the fact that this “healthy food initiative” (that you blame on Michelle Obama)  has made it so McDonalds has given you a total of four fries and stuck in a bag of disgusting apple slices. Curse again.

LAY OUT YOUR GEAR: Get to your parents house at midnight. Begin to lay out your gear and realize you’ve left a lot of stuff a home: your hat, your iphone arm band, your toothbrush….Be even angrier. Try to go to sleep for four hours. Its futile.

RACE DAY:  Wake up. Feel like trash already. Drink a diet coke and head to the bus. Its freezing. Try to cuddle with your sister. Realize she has 0% body fat and is actually making you colder. Huddle by the bonfire - this is great because now you can smell like sweat and smoke for the next four hours. Start race. Hate life at mile one. Because you don’t have your arm band, decide to stick your iphone in your sports bra. Around mile 18 its gets too sweaty and shorts out. You have no music for the next 8 miles. Cry. Pull off to an aid station. Ask how long it will be till a rescue van comes. Cry. See your mortal enemy. Decide your mortal enemy can’t beat you. MUST PULL SELF TOGETHER.

(someone else took this picture, I was to busy praying for a swift end to take pictures. Snow Canyon is cool) 

(i look like death you say? I feel like death! .5 miles from the finish)

With renewed sense of purpose, start running again, music-less and angry. Begin repeating mantra to self, “Can’t let enemy beat me. Can’t let enemy beat me.” The last 6 miles fly by this way.

At long last you will make it to the finish. You will want to die. Find the diet coke stand. Get one. Feel restored to full health. Find dad volunteering in Life Flight tent. Let him tell you how awesome you are. Feel good. See other marathoners eating pulled pork sandwiches from the Texas Road House stand. Throw up in your mouth. Exit runner’s area. See sister Anna, she has finished 20 minutes before you. She is your hero. Find your mother and sister Kiersten, they are your saviors, they have brought you flip flops and hugs. Hobble to your friend Brandalee’s house, she is rad and has a cute little gift for you. Feel guilty accepting it as you just had a really embarrassing finish time. Hobble to your car. Go home.

RECOVERY:Your mom will make you an ice bath. The one minute in there is worse than the entire marathon. But it works, so do it. Then get in your mom’s Jacuzzi bath tub, fully clothed, with your sister. Add bubbles. Cry, because you're so glad is over, but it hurts so bad. And the worse part is, "YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF, YOU DO, AND THAT’S WHAT REALLY HURTS (cue radiohead song)". Spend the next day eating really caloric food, because you deserve it, hobbling around, and laying on the couch petting your cat.

Congratulations! You have now successfully reverse PR’ed!!!

A Series of Short Letters

Dear Logan City Councilmen,

    I write as a singular canine citizen of Logan, but I believe my sentiments would be echoed among all the dog inhabitants of Cache County and their caretakers. My parents and I moved here in pursuit of education, and a better life, for all of us. Instead we have faced persecution on every side. One simple question: Why do you hate dogs? Coming for the dog loving metropolises of Monterey and Salt Lake City, my mom never dreamed there was such a place where dogs were forbidden, even on leash, from stepping foot – or paw - in every single park, baseball field, farmer’s market…etc in the ENTIRE TOWN. There is absolutely nowhere they can take me to play. As for where to source my beloved treats and toys, they have been relegated to the paltry Wal-Mart “Pet Aisle” (alas, there is not even a target in this “city.”)

     A final complaint: my mother was livid the other day when she received her first electric bill from the lovely ‘CITY OF LOGAN’. $125?!?! For a basement apartment in the summer with no A/C? Even in the dead of winter in a drafty 19^th century house, our bill in SLC was $75. Clearly there must have been a mistake. But noooo, its right. Logan charges “access fees” for everything. Access to what? Access to non-existent dog parks? Access to non-existent paved running paths? This isn’t the last you’ll hear from me.

         Sincerely,

              Otto

 (instead of stuttering, I could have discussed this wonderful inter-cultural experience, but I am inept on the phone)

Dear Teach For America Interviewer,

   I’m really sorry about our awkward phone interview yesterday. Really, its my fault not yours. Truly, if we could of done this any other way, via email, text, or even in person, I’m sure I could have wowed you. I am actually a fairly articulate and intelligent human being, though I’m guessing that was less than obviously by the number of stutters and “Ummm, well…” I used in our conversation. Something about the phone just makes me nervous and retarded. I’m sure my chances are gone, just wanted to let you know I’m sorry.

     Sincerely,

      Lauren

Dear Eight Year Old Dan,

   Don’t worry, all your semi automatic Nerf gun dreams do come true. In twenty years from now.

                From Future Dan

 {having a renewed appreciation for beauty after our near death experience, I stopped to take this picture after we made it to the part of the canyon that actually connects with the river walk trail and doesn't offer swift and certain death.}

Dear Guardian Angel,

   Thank you so much for saving Anna and I’s lives the other day. Totally my bad. Made the rookie mistake of running down a random canyon without doing any prior research. Turns out that the shoulder of the road disappears for a couple miles, precisely at the time there is a great number of blind hairpin turns. That close call with the SUV really woke us up and made us drop our pace below an 8 minute mile. Thanks for making sure we didn’t come across the three semi trucks in a row till the road shoulder reappeared. Without your help, we’d be lying next to the mangled raccoon road kill – no joke. I promise not to do that again.

    Thanks,

            Lauren

Dear Pinterest,

   Just wanted to thank you for making DIY projects which are in fact far above my abilities seem accessible. I spent way too many hours and way too many coats of paint thanks to you and your amazing looking finished products. No one mentioned that the IKEA Rast looks like this when you open the box:

 {chocolate lab chewing on the pieces does not come standard}

Admittedly my end result could have been worse, but I don’t think Pottery Barn will be coming calling for my secrets any time soon.

Cheers,

    Lauren

The Time We Got Policemanned

Want to hear a funny story? Dan and I, you know, the ones who take our puppy to preschool, spend all of our money on dog toys and treats (even special ordering elk antler chew toys from minnesota), and come home early from date night because we feel bad leaving Otto at home alone - are being investigated for animal abuse. I know.

 Here's what happened: 

Dan and I were out doing yard work and Otto was hanging out with us. We were just finishing up sweeping up clippings when our neighbor's two year old came running by our driveway. Otto loves playing with our niece and nephew, so he ran after the little neighbor boy in hopes he would play with him like they do. Otto is huge now but is still a toddler himself and doesn't always act appropriately... ie knocking down little kids and jumping on them because he's so excited. So Dan and I run after Otto to bring him back to our house, but he's so excited he won't listen or come back. He jumps on the little guy and I'm afraid he's going to accidently hurt him so I grab his collar and pull him away, but I loose my grip on him as he's full on lunging his 35 pounds away and he goes after the little kid again. So Dan hurriedly sprints after him, grabs his collar again and jerks him away into our yard. It must have scared Otto because he begins to scream. He really does this weird screaming thing when he's scared (its happened before when he's gotten stung by a bee and the time he fell out of the Sequoia). He wasn't hurt - Dan didn't hit him or anything - but he wouldn't calm down. Right then this crazy hippy lady from up the street comes by on her bike- wearing a reflective vest in the middle of the day I might add - and starts yelling at us how she's "going to call the police!!!" "You're abusing your dog!!!" "You people are so terrible!!!" I was so mad that I started yelling back at her. She didn't even see what happened! Are you kidding me? We're supposed to let our dog possibly injure a child? No way jose! He's a dog! And he wasn't even hurt! Whatever. Otto chilled out in about 30 seconds and we all went inside. We gave Otto a jerky treat, I listened to some Sufjan Stevens, and we were all mellowed out. Well an hour later when Dan and I are about to leave for a belated anniversary dinner date the cops show up at our door. Seriously. The lady filled a report of abuse claiming that Dan hit the dog repeatedly with a broom (umm the broom was still laying in our driveway, it never even came into the neighbors yard). Don't worry, the cops thought she was crazy too, and the neighbors who actually saw what happended corroborated our story. But still we had to fill out a report and now animal services will be checking up on us to make sure were fit dog owners. 

And that concludes "The Time We got Policemanned."*

*(My mom used to threaten us that the police man would pull us over if we didn't wear our seat belts. Anna somehow turned this threat into a verb, "You'll get policemanned!"