( this could be the problem - from our honeymoon in mexico '08)
I never really worried about my weight for the first 19 or so years of my life. My sisters Kiersten and Anna were the skinny ones. I was not, and I was okay with that. I wasn't heavy or anything - just average - and I never gave it a second thought.
I never really worried about my weight for the first 19 or so years of my life. My sisters Kiersten and Anna were the skinny ones. I was not, and I was okay with that. I wasn't heavy or anything - just average - and I never gave it a second thought.
Then came my Freshman Year of BYU. I totally put on the cliche Freshman 15. I think it was just a total lack of restraint (hello! dipping oreos in caramel!) and portion sizes (hello entire box of betos!). I ended my first year of college at the heaviest weight I'd ever been at. I knew that. But still it didn't bother me.
My second year of BYU I was super busy with Arabic/Dating Dan/school in general + I got pneumonia and I lost a lot of weight without trying. Or exercising at all. People started commenting on how thin I was. I finally felt like a "skinny sister" and I liked it. So I began consciously losing weight.
It climaxed when Dan went to Basic and I was super stressed, I was living with my Aunt and Uncle (and felt like an imposition using their kitchen), and had a move to the Middle East looming. I got down to lowest weight I'd been since probably before middle school. And I liked it. Except I was always hungry. So hungry that the "hunger headache" became a constant background.
I moved to Jordan. I had a fabulous roommate, who ate normally and was totally happy with herself - despite not being a size 0. She became like my "body acceptance role model."
So I began eating normally too. I gained some weight, but still felt good about myself.
Skip forward to moving to Monterey. I have a kitchen of my own and lots of time to bake. Dan and I love going out to eat. And the pounds started to slip back on.
And nothings bothers me more. I exhaust a ridiculous amount of time thinking/worrying about it. Daily.
And nothings bothers me more. I exhaust a ridiculous amount of time thinking/worrying about it. Daily.
I get nervous about going home and seeing my sisters and girlfriends that I know are thinner than I am. I feel like I failed in comparison. I often find myself taking inventory of all the girls my age at church and compare my size to theirs.
I exercise now more than I ever have in my life, but I'm back towards the heavy end of my weight spectrum. I feel fit, but not skinny and that bothers me. I know my downfalls: I love baking (and eating all my treats), I love going out for a donut or croissant, and I can never get too much pizza.
I feel like I'm constantly at odds with myself - I can either enjoy eating (and having energy to excercise!), or I can enjoy being thin - but not both.
I exercise now more than I ever have in my life, but I'm back towards the heavy end of my weight spectrum. I feel fit, but not skinny and that bothers me. I know my downfalls: I love baking (and eating all my treats), I love going out for a donut or croissant, and I can never get too much pizza.
I feel like I'm constantly at odds with myself - I can either enjoy eating (and having energy to excercise!), or I can enjoy being thin - but not both.
I know I should focus more on being heathy than on being skinny.
I know I should stop comparing myself to others and instead just be happy the way I am, be my own "body acceptance role model".
I know I should focus on serving others and devote less time to my selfish obsession with apperance.
I know all these things, yet there is one thought that still trumps all the others in my brain and consumes me:
I just want to be skinny again.
* I debated for a long time about posting this (I wrote it a couple months ago). It's somewhat personal. And I definitely don't want it to be interpreted as me fishing for compliments or sympathy or something. But in the end I decided its my blog, so I'll do what I want. I wanted to write this and the blog is my only form of a journal... So, yeah.
I know I should stop comparing myself to others and instead just be happy the way I am, be my own "body acceptance role model".
I know I should focus on serving others and devote less time to my selfish obsession with apperance.
I know all these things, yet there is one thought that still trumps all the others in my brain and consumes me:
I just want to be skinny again.
* I debated for a long time about posting this (I wrote it a couple months ago). It's somewhat personal. And I definitely don't want it to be interpreted as me fishing for compliments or sympathy or something. But in the end I decided its my blog, so I'll do what I want. I wanted to write this and the blog is my only form of a journal... So, yeah.
11 comments:
I find it interesting that you wrote this, because just looking at your blog the other day I thought you looked awesome! I almost commented on it then didn't. But I totally know how you feel (Because let's be honest, I was the one eating oreos in caramel and betos with you at all hours of the night!):) I think it's awesome that you're fit though. Size doesn't matter- even though it seems to. I would give almost anything to be fit right now instead of just thin. I think you're doing great! And enjoy all your baking. I don't have time to bake/no food to bake with! You're my hero Lauren! I can only wish that one day I will be able to run like you!
lauren to me you have always looked good! ever since middle school! i wouldn't worry about the weight. I love to eat and work out. I quit caring about the weight in high school. it was hard when everyone around you looks better looking and skinnier. stay fit, and just eat healthy and keep baking. i hope one day i can get as active as you are. for now i chase around a 2 year old.
- Sammie
Dear Lauren,
First I really miss you and we need to play! I have always looked up to you and Kiersten and thought you guys are the beautifulest because you are. It is funny because really I eat like 300 pound 8 year old boy. Augustus Gloop describes me really. I don't eat "real" food anymore because I am always on the move so I eat crap all the day long. Working at Neilson's Frozen Custard is not helping either. I don't have time to exercise anymore so i total like 5 mile weeks which is super disappointing and frustrating. At the end of each day I think of all the crud I have eaten and how I haven't exercised and I am so irritated. I just have the goal of eating healthier and just trying key word trying to limit treats. Treats bring me so much happiness. Lauren I love the crumbs out of you and you really are so beautiful, smart, funny, active and don't let something so icky like your weight bring you down to the gutter! Nobody should let their weight consume their life that is GAY and no fun. Okay I feel silly trying to give you advise because you are my wise Yoda and my hero. Eat and bake and have treats and then come happy and energetic home so we can bike together!
I think you need to come hang out with me. Being with your fat pregnant friend would have to be some encouragement right?? lol I think the best part about your blog is you're honest! It's so much funner to read and I bet every girl that reads this has felt this way at some point in their lives. It's nice to know you're not the only one, ya know?
I won't give you any advice. I know this is something that is hard for you to share. We all go through these challenges, but wth our own personal take on it. I want you to know I think you are beautiful and I am greatful you shared this. Always know that I am here for you if you need it. Call or write me anytime. Love you!
Hey, if you are worried about seeing your thin sisters and girlfriends in December, think about me!:) If you're lucky you'll see me to be HUGE! How's that for comforting thought:) lol. But seriously, even if you put on 20lb. nobody will be able to tell! And there is always Jillian 30 Day's work outs:)
P.S.: Today we found out that we're going to MI National Guard Ball. Wish you were here, because this time we could have sat at the same table!... Next year!:)
So... I have a muffin top now. I too love to bake and try everything (minus those last cupcakes) I have a love hate relationship with exercising. We're trying to work things out. I blame the husbands.
Hey my love I was reading an article on web md called "5 ways to end your war with food", because i too struggle with this.. All The Time! (it gives a new perspective on food and life). p.s. I think you should become a columnist because a. your an amazingly great and humorous writer. b. You have so much insight about things we all can relate to to some degree. and c. Your a genius! a perfect act on english is bound to get you a killer job.... Just sayin you should think it over:)
I totally know what you mean. I never really thought about weight until I had Lincoln and just seemed to stay 15 lbs heavier than I had ever been. I always thought, oh it would be nice to be like I was in college, but it really isn't. I have hyperemesis gravidarium and in the last 3 weeks have lost 15 lbs, been in the hospital twice for fluids and food, can feel all my bones, and can barely move around. Being too skinny is horrible! I look forward tp the day when I gain back that weight and gain back the health that comes with it.
Well Lauren, you look fabulous. Eat your heart out because God knows when we're 60 we'll have to watch our cholesterol. yikes.
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